end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My underwear smells like fireworks.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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