why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
