who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
