I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He has the fingertips of a God
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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