wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
