I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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