I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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