The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
