the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Mom said you looked used
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
