He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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