Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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