dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
