Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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