I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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