i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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