I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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