I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
