No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry about my life...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
