New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
