i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
