i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
