Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
