how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
