Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
