You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
