Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
