Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
