I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
