You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
