I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
