Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
