i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Never let your siblings swipe right.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
