I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
