glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
