Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
