the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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