You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
