I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
