so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
