I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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