Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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