i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
