if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
