Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
