I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
