his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You left your phone here
Wait...
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