My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
