woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
