I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
