dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
